Everything means something or other!

Am I a simpleton? I seem to miss everything. Apparently the hymn Jerusalem is also a critique of the industrial revolution! I always thought it was some kind of fascisty type thing (but secretly, guiltily, liked its stirring melody nevertheless). Now I can happily sing along in the knowledge that I am being fashionably Luddite rather than, um, unfashionably fascist.

Whatever next? The Pussycat Dolls classic 'Don't Cha' is a critique of the military industrial complex?

Apocalyptic scenes!

Reports of the complete breakdown of Newcastle's infrastructure may have been somewhat exagerrated. Panic can be traced back to the moment when Shelley found there were no taxis available in Benton at half past six.

'just...a little bit...further...'

What happens when you move to London

The Parker family are sitting down at the table enjoying a Christmas feast and attempting to find some innocuous subjects to chat about. The subject of Narnia crops up.

Me: Was I a thick kid? I don't think I had any idea that the books were based on the Bible...
John: Well, I was eight when I read it so, no, I don't think it was terribly surprising that I missed its allegory. I was older when I read Lord of the Rings and had no idea that it was a critique of the Industrial Revolution!
Dad: Wha?
John: It's a critique of the Industrial Revolution. Well, of industrialisation anyway... It's not just me that thinks it! It's obvious!
Dad: Well, maybe in your mud-huts down in Putney, but...!

Mud-huts? In Putney? Eh?

I daresn't tell my mother

... but if you type christmas disappointment into google images the very first - VERY FIRST! - picture that comes up is of me as a child. With an achievement like that under my belt this is set to be the best Christmas ever!

Narnia

What a rubbish film! Totally unrealistic.

I await the next Dan Brown book that is sure to uncover Aslan as the father of the Pevensey sisters' half-human/half-lion offspring.

Lost frosty mittens

Christmas excitement update

For Mary, for the overseas Helen, and for anyone else who is wondering how my levels of festive excitement are faring, a quick update. I am stuck in a little routine. I listen to the von Trapp Children singing 'Please Don't Send Me Fruitcake', I smile with glee at the ludicrous song and at the fact that I seem to like such a ludicrous song. This is swiftly followed by an effort to counter the glee by listening to Malcolm Middleton's 'Burst Noel' ("last year I got knives for Christmas..."). An unsuccessful effort, it must be said. An effort which largely results in me wanting to ruffle Malcolm's hair and force him, at knifepoint if necessary, to pull a cracker with me. So, yes, I'm quite excited.

Bloody good show, old bean

So, last night when I was, as the French would have it, mortalez, the above seemed like the most amazing piece of photographic genius ever. Apologies to everyone who was forced to look at my phone and listen to me going 'see, it's not him, it's his shadow... cool or what?!'

Seriously though, cool or what?!

The Maximo Park concert last night was just one step above fantastic. I don't think I have ever seen anyone so very visibly enjoying themselves on a stage as much as Paul was. A stranger standing behind me said 'God, I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like, to be up there'. Too true, stranger man. Although I have experience in wanting something pretty modest, going for it, getting it, and being delighted, I have absolutely no experience in wanting something pretty amazing, going for it, working really hard and then getting it. I had a little tear in my eye.

It doesn't matter how big you get though, a bit of constructive criticism is always useful. Paul, Susie and I agree, less clingy pants next time please. I mean, howez!

"amateur documentary makers"

Amateur? Surely not. You always hear phrases like 'is this Satan here on earth???!!!' on Panorama.

Top five 'Helen' songs on itunes

1. As Happy As Helen - Moth Music, vol 5
2. Drunk Helen - Apocalypse Hoboken
3. Helen's Clitoris - We're Not Really A Group
4. Riffin Without Helen - Lester Young
5. We Are Sellin Helen's Hearse - Granfaloon Bus

(On a names basis only of course.) My favourite Helen song on i-tunes would be Hey Hey Helen by Abba. The Lush version is more fun but it's not on there. My teenage years penpal, Lorraine Lelis (where are you now?!), sent me a tape of Lush's Hey Hey Helen being played on the radio in Joizey City 'this is for Helen, who's all the way in Ing-er-land... go figure!' Sadly, I lost the tape some years ago, but the box has stuck around to remind me. 'Side one: Songs for Helen, Side two: Nitzer Ebb/Hardcore'.

Coming soon - new dead things

Classy joint