Perhaps I'm being a little too anal (that is an official and acceptable shortening of 'anally retentive' now, isn't it?) but can everyone stop standing so horribly close to me? I seem to be spending increasing amounts of time wondering if it would be really impolite (or, indeed, a little bit Falling Down style mental) of me to turn around to people behind me in supermarket queues and ask them to take a step back. People with baskets are brushing my bum with their wires! Firstly: ouch! And, secondly: for the love of the children, WHY, GOD, WHY? What possible benefit can come from shoving wire baskets into Helen Parker's bum?
Speaking of anal, when I celebrated my twenty-ninth birthday I had a minor 'Cripes! What about all the things I haven't done that I should have done by the time I'm thirty?' crisis. So I made a list. Most of it came down to physically discomforting activities - walking up big mountains or running or daft stuff like that. And the odd bit of thing that seemed sort of rock n roll. Anyway, the great thing about turning thirty, I realised, is that I can leave it all behind and forge ahead into a new era where I don't need to be rock n roll. I think the thirties might be my kind of decade. Things that I think a person should do in their thirties are things I would like to do anyway. So much so that I don't need to write a list. But, were I to write a list, it would include such points as: being able to cook mussels in my own home (without worrying that I will poison myself), getting a dog, um, sitting about a lot.
Another great thing about crossing the line is that, were I to perform some act of physical prowess - become a world -class snowboarder say - I would not just be a world-class snowboarder, I would be a world-class snowboarder in her thirties, what an achievement.
In fact, the older you get, the easier it is to be impressive. I can't wait to be so old that people are impressed that I can walk along the street. I think I might be quite good at being old.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
I'm back!
While I've been gone some things have occurred:
1. I celebrated my thirtieth birthday. On my actual birthday I was at a wedding of some strangers. I heartily recommend this as a birthday idea. To the extent that I'm thinking about emulating Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughan in The Wedding Crashers. Though I won't be bedding ladies. Or wearing a suit and talking sharp. I'll just be doing the going-to-weddings-of strangers part. If anyone else is thinking that they would like to spend their birthday in this way, might I recommend that you specify certain things: a bona fide scrap between the brothers of the bride; girls in the toilets sharing conciliatory comments over unknown tragedies 'At the end of the day, all men are absolute cocks. That's the way you've got to look at it'; the venue employing an elderly butler type gent who will wander about with an accidental post-it note on his back; and, well, just general revelry.
2. I moved house. Although I have not managed to do any of the boring bits - like changing addresses, unpacking, etc. I have done all the most important bits. Like downloading the theme tune to Ski Sunday and playing it repeatedly while sliding across the living room floor.
3. I went to see Lachrymose One supporting Dawn of the Replicants and got to hear the words 'This song's about Galashiels stroke global warning'.
4. Experienced what seemed like a real emergency situation where my friend needed to escape from someone and shouted 'RUN!!!' as we left the pub. The next day I worried 'we could easily have got run over!' Nick apparently remembered events more clearly. 'Erm, it was more of a case of you running up to the pedestrian crossing, pressing the button, waiting, then running again.'
1. I celebrated my thirtieth birthday. On my actual birthday I was at a wedding of some strangers. I heartily recommend this as a birthday idea. To the extent that I'm thinking about emulating Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughan in The Wedding Crashers. Though I won't be bedding ladies. Or wearing a suit and talking sharp. I'll just be doing the going-to-weddings-of strangers part. If anyone else is thinking that they would like to spend their birthday in this way, might I recommend that you specify certain things: a bona fide scrap between the brothers of the bride; girls in the toilets sharing conciliatory comments over unknown tragedies 'At the end of the day, all men are absolute cocks. That's the way you've got to look at it'; the venue employing an elderly butler type gent who will wander about with an accidental post-it note on his back; and, well, just general revelry.
2. I moved house. Although I have not managed to do any of the boring bits - like changing addresses, unpacking, etc. I have done all the most important bits. Like downloading the theme tune to Ski Sunday and playing it repeatedly while sliding across the living room floor.
3. I went to see Lachrymose One supporting Dawn of the Replicants and got to hear the words 'This song's about Galashiels stroke global warning'.
4. Experienced what seemed like a real emergency situation where my friend needed to escape from someone and shouted 'RUN!!!' as we left the pub. The next day I worried 'we could easily have got run over!' Nick apparently remembered events more clearly. 'Erm, it was more of a case of you running up to the pedestrian crossing, pressing the button, waiting, then running again.'
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Once bitten, twice shy
There were interviews at work this morning, for new nurses. When I came in for my shift at one, the sister told me that they had interviewed my double.
Sister: She was like Helen Mark II, almost exactly like you.
Me: In what way?
Sister: Oh, in every way!
Me: So, when does she start?
Sister: She didn't get the job.
Sister: She was like Helen Mark II, almost exactly like you.
Me: In what way?
Sister: Oh, in every way!
Me: So, when does she start?
Sister: She didn't get the job.
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