I have never had a kit-kat that was all chocolate, or a tube of rolos without the caramel inside. I am led to believe though, by Paul Dewhurst (who is brilliant because he is the only person on my school's friends reunited site whose profile made me swear with surprise - his time in the dungeons and dragons club prepared him well for his career as an award-winning magician!), that if you send products like these back to the manufacturers you will get hampers of free stuff. His dad did it all the time apparently. My brother once found some glass in a pasta n sauce but he accidentally threw it away. Or did he get a ten pound voucher? One or the other. I did once find a hair in some cheese and was reimbursed. But a foreign body is not as exciting as a foodstuff being perfectly edible but not quite right. It's like finding the only stamp ever printed where you can see that the Queen has a moustache.
Today for my tea I thought I was having a roasted vegetable lasagne from Marks and Spencer. On my first bite I thought 'gosh, that vegetable tastes terribly like chicken. I went through quite a few vegetables in my head, trying to imagine which one could easily masquerade as a bit of chicken. None, really. 'Maybe it's bit of halloumi cheese'. Except that still wouldn't be inside a roasted vegetable lasagne, would it? Then, when every mouthful contained the vegetable which looks like, tastes like, and shares the texture of chicken I came to the astute conclusion that it was actually a chicken lasagne. I emailed them so they can send a chopper out to scoop up chicken lasagnes before innocent vegetarians eat them. Not that I am a vegetarian of course, but I'd hate to see someone else's principles violated. By which I mean, do you think they'll send me a hamper of nice things? Maybe I should also have pointed out that the roasted vegetable lasagne was in the Count on Us range, God only knows if the chicken one was. People may have been subjected to high GI index foodstuffs!
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Oh, do you think it could possibly have been described as a Chargrilled Chicken lasagne? Only, I had an M&S Chargrilled Chicken lasagne the other day. It was quite nice, thanks, since you ask. Anyway, it wasn't a "Count On Us" Chargrilled Chicken Lasagne, so if you think it might have been that, then it might have done bad GI things.
Good God! The chicken pieces had diagonal brown stripes running across them. The universal sign of char-grilledness. And I didn't think I liked chargrilled things so they've really tricked me in every way possible. I eagerly await a response to my email!
'I eagerly await a response to my email!'
signed 'Slightly Concerned' from Shepton Mallet.
Perturbed of Peterborough.
I once sent a Pot Noodle back to Golden Wonder (or whoever owns them now), even though i'd eaten it all. I wrote a lengthy letter saying that 'I was not satisfied with this pot noodle compared to toher pot noodles I have previously tasted', cos they ask you to do that if it's the case, innit? Two weeks later I got an apology letter and £20 worth of Pot Noodle vouchers.
That'll learn me.
My Dad seems to have lost the passion for complaining since his retirement. But he did once get 100 free packs of crisps because of a cigarette butt in a packet of Cheese and Onion.
Sorry to make you swear, thanks for calling me brilliant.
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